There was an article some years ago which my manager sent to me as a heads up for having children. I laughed, thinking motherhood would never be like that. How wrong I was! This article flagged up on my Timehop today following a previous share via social media.
With this article in mind at 615am today I set out for another morning of nursery and work preparation. However, you can guarantee when you need to be on time or you need it to run smoothly it just doesn’t. So here’s my “Welcome to the world of pregnancy and motherhood, as described by a member of Cooks Cabin”
A somewhat tongue in cheek post, but all true stories, all in Cooks Cabin, one of them today…
- Be prepared for people to call you fat, fatty, porky and think they can get away with it for the duration of the 9 months. When you have had enough and finally crack towards the end of your pregnancy, do not be surprised to find they are not apologetic, just “having fun”. That will rock your pregnancy hormone induced world…”
- Upon baby arriving and pregnancy weight / belly still being there 1 year later, await questions of “are you having another?” or “are you pregnant again?” Respond with a witty “no I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat with a mum-tum, but thanks for reminding me” whilst slowly dying inside.
- Become used to work colleagues trying to touch your stomach on a regular basis without consent. You inevitably have an issue with people in your personal space. Inform colleague/stranger that it’s your body and you don’t want people touching your tummy. Await their gasp of horror at your refusal and their exclamation of “there’s a baby in there, I only wanted to feel the baby!” Explain that there are several layers of skin and placenta between the world and baby which falls on deaf ears. Avoid colleague for remainder of pregnancy.
Motherhood of toddlers:
- Organise a meeting for 830am with senior management, the time you start work. Nursery opens at 8am, and the journey to work from nursery is 15 minutes. Have clothes, shoes and coats on ready to walk out of the door at 745. Encourage child to go for a wee before walking out of the door. Child goes for a wee, and then decides they need a poo. 10 minutes later child has done poo and realises that they now need another wee. Leave house at 8:00am pretty certain you can still make it. Drop child off at nursery at 8:10am when they decide they need another wee and scream the place down unless you take them to the toilet. Leave nursery at 8:21am with 9 minutes until your meeting. Arrive at meeting at 840am, dishevelled and with child food marks on your shoulder from carrying them frantically at an amazing pace earlier. Try and remain professional in meeting.
- Dressing a toddler with as much ease as you did when they were a bubba…forget about it. You will resort to bribery. “If you don’t get dressed I will switch Peppa Pig off” “If you get dressed you can have a banana”. Then despair at the fact you have resorted to bribery. If you have a child who is eager to get dressed, be prepared for clothes on backwards or the inevitable arm in head hole and head in arm hole and lots of wailing, also a frequent occurrence.
- The wonderful world of toilet training. Stay indoors for 2-3 days, allow child to run riot without bottoms on to ensure you can get them to a potty as soon as their bodily functions kick in. Child (and you) will inevitably go stir crazy, you will resort to issuance of sweet stuff to keep them occupied and happy, which in turn will result in your house being trashed. On completion of 2-3 days indoors and mental state disintegrating visit a local string of shops. 15 minutes into visit child requires a wee. Pick child up and sprint out of shop at amazing speed only to find no toilet in sight. You WILL NOT be beaten, so you whip out a potty and let them sit on it, in the middle of a street, in broad daylight.
- Love cars? Love nice interiors? You will never own a nice car with a nice interior as long as you have a toddler. End of conversation.
- Convince yourself and other parents that your child will never watch TV, ever. Fail as soon as they hit 18 months where they develop a voice, mobility and the ability to cause destruction wherever they go. TV will become your best friend, particularly between 630am and 715am when you all need to get dressed and ready for work / nursery and you need them to remain in one location.
- You will notice that the Peppa Pig theme tune is a great earworm, and halfway through your day, when at work or without child, that you start humming it or even do the snort!
- Drive home from work and start meowing because you’ve seen a cat. Realise that there’s no toddler in your back seat. You are meowing to yourself.
- On a Sunday night, iron required amount of work clothing to see you through the week ahead. Wash and iron all that clothing again on Tuesday evening.
- Go to your nearest doctors surgery, sit there for hours at a time at least once a week for a month. Realise that you see your doctor so frequently you could probably become friends and should really be on a first name basis with them.
- Decide you need to tidy lounge, sort all toy storage out, dispose of random items and bunch everything of a similar nature together, e.g. dressing up clothes in one box, building blocks in another and so on. Walk out of lounge and return 10 minutes later to find all boxes have been emptied by toddler all over the floor. Repeat this process 3 times. Give up.
- Go to crying toddler who has woken from a nap badly. Pick them up and take into the lounge to cuddle on the sofa. Realise that child has fallen asleep during this transition. Stare at child in awe (thinking I made this!) and realise that every time you look at this little being who is so dependant on you that you would do anything for them and that pregnancy and motherhood is in fact the best thing that has ever happened to you.
It has its moments for sure, and to be honest it’s difficult at times being a working mum, but really, if you asked me truthfully, I would tell you that being a mum is the best job in the world with the most amazing rewards and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I love motherhood, even the toddler tantrums.